The Most Awesomest Halo Fanfiction EVER!
by Covenant-Dance117
Summary: This... is an exploration of the horrors of the Halo fanbase. In other words, it's a parody of bad fictions. That's right, the amazing writing duo of Alcyone Aden and CovenantDance117 is back AGAIN! Rated T to be safe.
1. CHAPTER 001!

WE'RE BACK! AGAIN!!! NO WE WILL NOT STOP WRITING!! EVER!! Because we're awesome.

If you haven't deducted, by the title and the genre of PARODY, this is a parody. If you needed to be told this, then maybe YOU are one of the moronic authors that we shall be poking fun at today. Today, as we sit enclosed by strings.

DISCLAIMER: We don't own Halo, and never did. And we never claimed to, and even if we did own Halo it would be very bad. : Also, we don't own the Hypnotoad. Please, Matt Groening, don't sue us. We truly love Futurama, and we hope that you will make more, and that we may get the chance to meet you at Comic Con one year. Which probably won't happen, because you are never going to read this, and so it is completely pointless to put this here, because nothing will ever come of it. But, that's what this fic is about. Completely pointless and random crap that will never be of any importance ever.

WARNING: This fiction is not for those who can't deal with a little criticism (even though we pakaged it in a fun little comedy). This fiction is also resistant to flames. The authors coated it with Teflon.

CAUTION: Do not attempt to eat this fanfiction. If accidentally swallowed, you are a complete idiot, because to swallow the fiction, you'd have to eat your computer. And if ANY of you had the idea to do so... then... MUH. Seriously, we wouldn't know what to say.

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01: Bad OCs, Hole-Riddled Plots, EBOLA ZAIRE, and More! 

One day, in the Super Awesome Station that TOTALLY Replaced Cairo (Because it was better), some random teenage chick named Sakura was walking down some hall with lights and controls... Not that she knew what those controls actually did, but they were there for some reason. She was perfect. From her slim, black, leather-clad legs to her curvey-scurvey hourglass form to her unnaturally large chest, which no 15 year old girl should rightfully have, she was completely perfect. Her super long purpley-pink hair trailed gracefully behind her as she sashayed down the hall... Oh yeah, and for some reason, no one questioned her lack of identification and uniform, or her reason for being in the first place. No, they just either stared or fell over with their eyes emitting streams of Ebola Zaire(because she was so beautiful). Also, a lot of people were infected with Ebola Zaire, just to let you know. They were later discovered in their respective stations, gushing blood from every orifice. This virus has been amplified. By Sakura's incandescent beauty. Because she's so awesome and mysterious and perfect.

So anyway, she randomly encountered the Master Chief, who had unfortunately turned the corner at the same time she was walking down the hall. He had barely a moment to realize the misfortune in front of him before Sakura screamed in his face, "HAY CHIEF!! LET'S HANG OUT!!" A look of anger and consternation crossed his face.

"First of all, who the hell are you? Second, what the hell are you wearing? And... wait... where's your identification?"

"Oh," she replied wistfully, "none of that matters, because I truly love you... Even though I really don't know who you are or anything... I still love you!" He gave an exasperated sigh. Actually, it sounded more like a cow giving birth to a truck.

"Alright, listen. You just met me half a minute ago, and you have said about two sentences to me, and furthermore... hey! Stop staring at my crotchplate, you underage freak!" She looked down her feet, as she had been caught red-handed.

As Sakura continued to flirt with Chief (to no avail, of course), Cortana sprang up from Chief's helmet, which he held in his hand.

"CHIEF! I thought that we were going to get married, and here you are flirting with this random BETCH! I know our love makes SO much sense, and is completely NOT outside the realm of physical reality, so I'll forgive you. As long as we get married."

Suddenly, a random marine who was passing by turned into a toothbrush. Sakura gasped at this horror, while Chief fell to his knees and screamed, "WHYYYYYYYY?" at the top of his lungs. Because that marine, that nameless faceless marine was somehow VITAL to the story.

Oh yeah, and the Ebola Zaire strain was passing through the station at an incredible rate. It's a funny story, how this virus came to infest the entire awesome crew of the entire awesome station that totally replaced Cairo (Because it was better). Okay, so apparently, some Flamangos were wandering through the hall that Sakura, Chief, and Cortana were arguing in. The Flamangos, not wanting to enter the delicate situation, swerved into the station of one of the marines that was spewing Ebola Zaire from his eyes.The Flamngos began to eat the blood of the marine, which was highly saturated with EBOLA ZAIRE. (NOTE: At 9712309472041x Magnification, the little virus particles were laughing about how they were going to kill this whole horrible fanfiction, which, by itself, was a sin against all things, living and non-living, and half alive things like viruses.) ANYWAYS, the group of Flamangos then were shot by random marines, who then took the bodies of the Flamangoes, which, let me remind you, are highly saturated with EBOLA ZAIRE, to a festival, at which the raw flamangoes were consumed by almost every marine on the Super Awesome Station that TOTALLY Replaced Cairo (Because it was better). So, yeah. Deadly Virus bad. 8 years of compuslory education, and that's all I can come up with. I can also come up with plots that are riddled with holes and make no sense.

Moving away from the virusy plotine, out of nowhere and into the middle of that same hallway, which apparently was the site of many important events (oh, and if that hallway had a face, it would look like this: ), came...THE HYPNOTOAD!!

* * *

CHAPTER COMMENTARY:: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHAPTER :: DO NOT QUESTION. 

Hokai, so this was created at approximately 2:10 AM (EST). Uhh... If you don't know what EBOLA ZAIRE is, go look it up. Don't be lazy. It's actually a pretty cool virus. Don't give me that look. It's either look up a virus on Google, or keep reading this... this... ABHORRATION of a fanfiction. Hm... We hate Naruto. He's not a ninja if he wears ORANGE JUMPSUITS. NO KID, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE A COMPLETELY USELESS FREAK. Let's see... Zombies are cool... Especially little glow in the dark ones. One of the two authors has a bunch of little glowing zombies on her desk. They're pretty cool. Oh yeah, commentary on the CHAPTER. We are neutral. We neither like nor dislike this chapter. We are not angry at it, but relations are tense. There might be some sort of Cold War... An iron curtain shall descend between the lands of Us and those bad fanfiction commies. We're lookin at you, Churchill!!! CLEMENSHOGOKI 3 BISMARCK 4 EVAR!!!!

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Suddenly, the evil EBOLA ZAIRE virus dissapated. Apparently, it was afraid of Pi. Thank god one of the marines had decided to play the Pi song over the loudspeakers. Sakura even tried to sing it. Her voice was beautiful, but unfortunately, she really didn't understand the concept of Pi, nor did she know the song at all, so she ended up just spouting random numbers to no tune at all. In retrospect, it must have been pretty bad to be the Chief right then.

Oh yeah, and it will continue to be bad for him, because some person planned a beach party for no reason whatsoever, besides a cheap ploy of seeing Sakura in some bikini or something. That person should have been shot, but luckily, the EBOLA ZAIRE took him out before he had a chance to see his perverted dream come to fruition.

THE END! Well, of this chapter.

HOW WILL THE BEACH PARTY END UP? WILL A FALLING BLOB CRUSH OUR MAIN HEROINE? WILL SHE MAYBE TURN INTO A FASCIST SPLEEN BEAVER? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AUTHOR SPOUTING? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON THE AWESOMEST HALO FANFICTION OF ALL DESTINY!!

random explosion in background!!!11!-one-!

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::Written at 210 hours on the date of May 28, 2007 (389th Age of Reclamation) :: 

AN: This has to be the worst of our writing. And yet, there are fics out there with worse grammar, worse sentence structure, and more incoherent plotlines than ours. That's sad, people. That's sad. And, for those of you who are wondering about "Flamangoes" or the random spree of yelling at the end, go check out Tales of Interest. It was just updated recently, so it might still be on the first page. Go. GO NOW! STOP STARING AT ME AND GO READ IT!!!! storms off 


	2. This Chapter Title is WAY TOO LONG!

...IT'S TIME FOR... GODZILLA ATTACK... Wait... I meant... CHAPTER TWO!!!

DISCLAIMER: Halo isn't ours. Cuppins belongs to Alcyone Aden, and FSB is kind of just a mutant that belongs to us both. You steal any one of thoes things, and we'll find you and sic Dialga on you. Also, Dialga is property of Pokemon. Not us... LAWL!

WARNING: We like pie.

OMG EXCLAMATION!: To the person who asked which fics we were mocking: Hints! Although we were really beating one, it's kind of every bad fanfiction combined. Just look on any serious Halo category, and you'll find at least one of the elements that we poke fun at.

CAUTION!: Watch out for falling ninjas of varying shapes and sizes!

CHAPTER 002: BEACH PARTY, FIDDLER CRABS, CUPPINS, AND INSTANT PLOT DEVICES!!

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The sun shone down happily upon- wait, not happily. It was shining down upon the worst abbhoration of all time- the beach party (which was planned by the marine who was a pervert and who was killed by flying ebola). Sakura graced the terrible scene, looking even more terrible than an angry squad of mutilated communist squid. Well, in her own mind, she thought she was more awesome than Chuck Norris, and three times as hot. That was, to any and all spectators of this beach party, a filthy lie. Let's just say that.. wait one word... Britney Spears. Wait, that was two. Whatever. If you are a very lucky person and have not seen any pictures of this mutant of a person, I'll just say that Sakura's curvey-scurvey figure had a whooooole lot of fat. And it sagged like fried eggs. And it was really gross. But she thought that she was so totally hot, that she was so awesomely awesome, that she did not think that wearing a skimpy bikini was a bad idea. 

The Chief, on the other hand, was laying on a beach chair fully dressed in armor. That's right, Spartan 117 went to the beach in armor. Then again, who wouldn't with Sakura roaming like a herd of elephants (wait, these elephants would be like... angry... and deranged... in fact, to represent Sakura, they'd probably have to be more malicious than those viruses from the first chapter (FRICKIN INSANE RABIES!!!)). There were other marines too, but they weren't that important... In fact, we didn't even give them names. Hell, they don't even have differing face models. I swear, there were like 5 Sergeant Johnsons there. Everybody was playing volleyball in a joyous matter. Hell, they were in a bliss. It's kind of like they were playing in a field of flowers with the sun and the clouds and that really trippy music that always is in those scenes. That is, until the angry rabied herd of elephant (aka Sakura) came in. All the marines ran in fear. Unfortunately, since Chief was sleeping, he did not hear or heed the cries of the frightened marines, who ran into the ocean only to be devoured by a squad of enraged fiddler crabs (They were like "+10000000 Damage, n00bs!"). Taking advantage of this lack of people, Sakura sauntered over to Chief and proceeded to scream "HAY CHIEF!!! I LOOK ALL SEXY LOL!!" right where his ear would be if he had his helmet off. Since the helmet enanced his hearing, her voice got magnified by at least 1000 times. Due to a comic reflex, Chief punched her in the face with a fistfull of cancer. That's right, cancer. So, she ended up five feet away flailing on the ground like a Magikarp, squealing in emotional and physical pain, as the disease infected her brain. Cancer usually has this effect.

* * *

This went on for a while until, suddenly a large, amorphous, purple blob fell from the sky and landed on Sakura. Apparently this blob was called by Cuppins and had many sugar canes sprouting from its bubbly purple "flesh" (which was actually quite like some form of opaque jello). Sakura actually got the misfortune of finding out what it is like to be absorbed by osmosis. She would have screamed, but the mass of Cuppins suffocated her. Of course, since we don't want to kill off our perfect, awesome specimen of a character, by some fluke (MAGIC) she lives. Sadly, she does not live on in her old curvey-scurvey body. She lives on as... a FASCIST SPLEEN BEAVER. This is a beaver that is a spleen that has a Hitler mustache and very, very large teeth. It speaks only in the language of "5MR08ATS", which is conviently the name of one of the tests you can do on a Dell PC if you run the system diagnostics with the F12 key at the boot screen. We know this makes no sense, but bear with us. So, now we have Chief, who kind of barfed a little after seeing Sakura, then we have Sakura, who is now a Fascist Spleen Beaver, and we have some random faceless marine who is actually very important to our story. The conversation shared between these three people (or beavers) is actually filed as "Confidential". However, CD and Alcyone Aden like to ignore signs like this, and will now show you the contents of the file:

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--FILE BEGIN-- --SYSTEM SUICIDE IMMINENT-- 

RANDOM FACELESS MARINE: HAY GUYS! I am what is called an Instant Plot Device. I have no name or no memorable face, yet I will give you a piece of information that is vital to the plotline. I will then disappear into the land of NPC Hell.

MC: So, what is this information?

FSB (SAKURA): 98327590345u38492895igfuew89547932857320895239048ut89034!!94590!!!LSDKFJLS;

RFM: Shut up! Nobody likes you!

MC: Anyway... What is this information?

RFM: This beaver can be turned back into the original person that they were.

MC: And I would want to do that why?

RFM: STICK TO THE PLOT!!!! YOU LOVE HER!!

MC: But... I hate her... The person I love was the one who dropped Cuppins on this whore.

RFM: You love a 747?

MC: No, I love (NAME BLOCKED!!!!)

RFM: Well, here's the information anyway. (INFORMATION HERE THAT WAS BLOCKED BY THE FCC IN 2552)

MC: Do I have to? I would rather hear numbers instead of... whatever the hell she was speaking before... I think it was some form of butchered English.

RFM: Yes. You must. Either that, or this crappy plot will fall apart. You don't want that, do you?

MC: Well, actually, ye-

RFM: Not letting you answer that. Now go! And always think of me as that awesome Instant Plot Device!!!

RFM disappears and is immediately forgotten

--END OF FILE-- --PLEASE DELETE BEFORE SYSTEM SUICIDE--

* * *

Suddenly, after the random faceless marine disappeared, Dialga appeared. It looked down at the beaver and then roared angrily, as if the Fascist Spleen Beaver's mere being angered it. Since Dialga can control time, it ate Sakura... yesterday... Somehow. DON'T QUESTION! The last words said to Sakura by Spartan 117 were simply "You're soo stupid!" However, just as Sakura was devoured

* * *

::CHAPTER COMMENTARY!!! AGAIN!!! DON'T YOU HATE US FOR MAKING YOU SIT IN SUSPENSE? DON'T QUESTION!:: 

Hmmm... This chapter's nice... It's okay... Cubes are nice too... Y'know what's really stupid? A kid tying his own feet together and then tripping while someone uttered, "you're soo stupid!!". CD has seen this. She has witnessed this strange phenomonon. Oh yeah... Pepsi is just coke with three sugar cubes. Seriously, it is. We tried it. And now we're hyper.

..Oh yeah, and please, for the love of God, don't make Chief on the Sims. It's a really bad idea that never pans out. Just don't. Please don't. It pains us. Let's just say that his family wasn't nearly as violent and dysfunctional as we had planned. They acted like a fricking normal family, and that sucks! Just don't make anybody from the Halo universe on the Sims 2. It's so bad! It's horrible! STFU N00B WE LAWL YOUR AGONY!!!

::END OF CHAPTER COMMENTARY::

* * *

END OF CHAPTER!!! CONTINUATION FILES NOT FOUND!! ERROR! ERROR! DATA DELETION IMMINENT!! SHUTTING DOWN... SYSTEMS AT 10 beep

* * *

Sorry, we lost everything else. I think there was a space battle, and a unicorn, and maybe a jar of pickles somewhere... All we remember was that it was pretty damn awesome, but we lost it LAWL!! 

NO, WE DON'T KNOW IF IT'S REALLY THE END. IT COULD BE, BUT MAYBE IT'S NOT!! WILL ANYTHING EVER MAKE SENSE? WILL SAKURA EVER COME BACK TO LIFE, OR WILL HER JUST NOW INTRODUCED CLONE NAMED RAKURA TAKE OVER THE SCENE? WHO IS THE (NAME BLOCKED), THE OBJECT OF MASTER CHIEF'S AFFECTION? DO YOU WANT TO KILL US NOW? LAWL!

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT... damn, this title is way too long.


	3. POISON BANANA!

... If you know the number of this chapter, press 3!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER: We own no Halo stuff, but wish that we did.

WARNING!: Do not try and set your computer on fire in a lame attempt to flame this fic. That's just a plain bad idea.

CAUTION!: Floor slippery when wet.

CHAPTER 03: Crazyyyyyy slashes, stereotypes, and RAKURA.

--

Somehow everybody ended up back at the Station that Totally Replaced Cairo (because it was better). It is unknown how or why they got there... it just happened. So, everybody went back to whatever normalcy existed before all of this random crazy stuff happened. Everyone was now asleep.

::NOW FOR A DREAM SEQUENCE::

Open to a field of shiny flowers made of gum wrappers. A cat was walking on the sky, a troupe of potatoes was singing, and Chief was sitting in the middle of this field, picking random flowers. The music in the background went something like "La la lala laa la lalala la" or something. All we know is that it was very trippy. So, anyway, back to Chief picking flowers. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a CHALLENGER APPEARS!!! It was…. THE ARBITER. Or so he would be called, if his face was not contorted with pure, untouched bliss (which is very NOT conducive to the standard of a brooding anti-hero). Chief looked up from his flowers and looked at Arbiter. And, in this insane dream world, the Chief thought that the Arbiter was HAWT. So they happily skipped off into the flowers together, that is, until Rtas 'Vadum came from nowhere and, after realizing that Arbiter was skipping off with the Chief, yelled "CRAWFISH!!" and then proceeded to smack both of them across the face. And, suddenly, the cat that had been walking on the sky fell onto the world, and killed everything.

::END DREAM SEQUENCE, YOU READ IT, YOU CAN'T UNREAD IT!!::

To this dream, the Master Chief awoke in great fear, covered in a cold sweat. His brain did the equivalent of exploding when he realized what had occurred in his dream. Before he could grab a gun a shoot himself in the face for even thinking such thoughts, Sakura burst into his room.

"CHIEF!! OMG I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE YOU!!!!" she yelled. However, since Chief had a gun in his hand already, he shot her in the face just for being there.

"Finally. She's gone. We have peace." Chief put down the gun and, for a few seconds, was actually happy for the first time in his life. Unfortunately, his moment of pure happiness was cut short as, from Sakura's dead, slightly twitching body, Rakura arose. If Chief weren't so **MANLY**, he would have screamed like a child, as a war hero would if he or she saw the same thing. Instead of a proper introduction, the seemingly identical-to-Sakura girl yelled, as loud as she could,

"HAY CHIEF, MY FAVORITE INTERVAL NOTATION IS INFINITY TO TWO!!" Chief, confused by this erroneous statement, replied,

"Don't you mean… negative infinity to two?"

"NO I MEAN INFINITY TO TWO. NEGATIVES SUCK." Chief shook his head, and reached for the gun. However, it had since turned into a flying Eggplant Koala, which was now gurgling at the top of its lungs. Chief sighed. This world made no sense whatsoever. But, before he could be all emo about it, Rakura started yelling again.

"CHIEF, CHIEF, I KNOW YOUR REAL NAME!!!" she yelled with joy.

"Oh do you now?" he replied, not really amused.

"YEAH, I KNEW IT HAD TO BE SOMETHING AWESOME AND MANLY, SO I FIGURED IT WAS XAVIER BLAQ!!" Chief facepalm'd, and attempted to give a calm reply.

"That's not my name, my name is-" But before he could finish his sentence, a purple, glowing banana jumped into the room. It said one thing, and only one thing.

"_**POISON BANANA!!!**_" It started to dance after it said this. However, the flying Eggplant Koala gurgled at it, and then proceeded to engulf it by phagocytosis.

Chief looked upon this scene with great anger and great bewilderment. He then realized that everything that had just happened had occurred in his room. After that, he realized that he could just kick them all out. So he did. And things were good. For a few seconds. Because the Chief never goes too long without encountering ACTION and EXTREMENESS TO THE MAX. The source of this particular mishap came from Rtas and Arbiter tangoing into the room. Chief sighed, as he knew that Elites were prone to dancing at any particular moment, so it was more or less normal. Chief watched, waiting for the dancing elites to leave the room. However, this was not to be, as the Spartan overheard Rtas saying to Arbiter, "I LOVE YOU WITH AN INFLAMED PASSION!!!" Because of what followed, Chief had horrible nightmares for exactly 1,001 nights.

::CHAPTER COMMENTARY TOWARDS THE END OF THE CHAPTER. OR MAYBE AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER!!!::

So… yeah. Commentary. Plenty of fun. Honestly, this is kind of a hard chapter to write commentary for, so we shall just ramble. Vases with bricks them make good weapons and good eatin'. Also, you will probably never find out who the object of Chief's affection is. Actually, I'll tell you who she is, and I'll start with her name. It's –POISON BANANA!!!-. She's cool and she does stuff. That's about it for the commentary.

::THE COMMENTARY, IT'S OVER!!!::

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WILL THE CHIEF GO INSANE? WILL RAKURA ACTUALLY LEARN MATH? WE THINK NOT! WILL HER TWIN, BAKURA, EVER COME TO FRUITION? WE SAY SHE WILL!! JOIN US NEXT TIME ON TALES OF—Wait, wrong one—THE MOST AWESOMEST HALO FANFICTION EVER!!!!!!!


	4. We resolve Chief's story, but we don't

Chapter FOUR!: They resolve teh Chief's story, but they don't!

Disclaimer: This shit will blow your mind.

Three years in the making. This is the last chapter. Here it is.

* * *

My name is Xytan 'Jar Wattinree. If you don't already know me, you pretty missed the point of the entire Halo series. Seriously. I can't understate how important I am, and how integral I am to the plot. It's a subtle importance, but it's big. I'll be leading you for the rest of this journey. That's just the type of guy I am.

When we last left our heroes, as they say, "shit was becoming a reality". Our main character, Master Chief...

...Seriously, I don't know why they call him a main character. I don't want to be pompous or anything, but I'm kind of a big deal. I mean, he's important and everything, but y'know, someone's gotta hold up the series. Y'know what? I'm the bigger man. It's okay. I'm good. Just a bit of recognition now and again would be nice. We cool? Okay. We cool.

...had just woken up from a terrible nightmare concerning Thel 'Vadam. Our heroine Sakura was brutally shot, and her mysterious twin Rakura had risen from her corpse. There was then a run-in with a flying Eggplant Koala. There was false use of interval notation, a terrible crime in these parts, and finally, a banana that was poisoned was engulfed by phagocytosis. Verily.

Now then, on to today's episode. We find our hero in the Mess Hall, which is the military equivalent of the Louvre. Framed pieces of art sat on the walls. While you're with me, let's take a look at a few. The first picture is one by Officer Ray Manta. He called it "Mashed Potatoes in Slumber". See the delicate use of potatoes as shading here, on this potato glob. Note the masterful of use of gravity on this glob, which is sliding off the wall, making this a piece in motion. Such masterful composition. Such genius! Moving on, this seems to be a lovely piece by Admiral Stahrfeesh, called "Untitled". The medium used appears to be canned peaches, with a few specks of what looks to be frozen peas. This work of art has been for a while, and even seems to have a few dashes of graceful, fuzzy mold. Look at how the mold growth accents the ... the... the ness of this piece! Just as masterful as any galleria. Excuse me, I am brought to tears... I need a moment.

I have returned. Now then, let us join our hero as he sits in the Mess Hall. In a wonderful display of arm flexibility, Master Chief is waving his arms in the air. An uneated C-Ration sits in front of him, forlorn and forgotten. The marines surrounding him were staring, mouths agape, at this spectacle.

To fully understand how this event came to be, we must examine this specimen's mind. Come hither with me, on a journey through the brain of a Spartan. Be aware that once within the mind, I will take on a different form. Do not be alarmed, as I am still with you.

We have arrived. This current state is incredibly unstable, and incredibly rare. Do not be scared by the floating platforms, with no seeming end. Yes, there is a wall in front of us, you can try walking if you'd like, it's not going to work. We call this an invisible wall. If you look over there, you can see what seems a Scarab, fighting off tiny marines. It all looks like a miniature storybook, does it not? Please, follow me. There is a path up I would like us to take. The wall ends here, and that's where the path begins. You cannot see it, so do not be afraid. You will not fall. But I would not suggest looking down.

I told you not to look down. See how you can see our own faces? And towards the top of the square, we can see the scenery around us, repeating on to eternity. We call this an infinity square. I would not advise looking while moving- things get a little bit, as they say, trippy.

I expect things to be getting back to normal soon. Oh! There we go. Now that we are surrounded by white, and our faces have returned to their usual states, it is safe to say that our journey is coming to an end.

"Where am I? What happened? How did I get into the mess hall? Why is everyone staring? Why are my arms in the air?"

My my, that voice is booming! Our boy is coming back!

"I feel so drained... The hell? What could have led to this... moment? Maybe if I try to think back on what happened?"

Oh, dear. I don't think I can handle memories. I'm afraid you all are on your own from this point on. It has been a pleasure guiding you. Farewell.

* * *

The colors began to pour back into Chief's mind. Slowly, they formed hallways- those of the Cairo. A mission... An emergency mission... A mission only for him. The colors poured into the figure of the Chief, hurriedly walking towards the command room. Lord Hood had called him in for something. The colors rearranged themselves and became the command room, Hood standing proudly at its apex. Wait, that's another memory. No... Something was different this time... Hood wasn't standing. He was sprawled out on the ground. Dead? No... Not dead... Just... lying there, staring at the ceiling, with a wide grin on his face. No blood, no signs of severe injury... There seemed no point for him to be there. Hood sat up, and locked eyes with the Chief. Something wasn't right- something was off about his glance. Had he been an AI, Chief would have suspected rampancy.

"Chief, I've got an important mission for you," Hood started, slightly stuttering. Chief nodded expectantly.

"Top. Secret. Mission." From his jacket, he pulled out what looked to be a simple mushroom. He handed it to the Chief.

"Sir, what is the mission? What am I going to do with this?" Chief cocked his head quizzically.

"You... are going to go places. Places no one has ever gone before. You're going to see things that will make even the most hardened war heroes cry like small children... This... is Halo." He then collapsed back to the ground, humming softly.

Chief looked at the mushroom in his hand. Was it lunch? It must be lunch.

He took off his helmet, popped the mushroom in his mouth, and replaced the helmet. It tasted funny, but mushrooms always did. He never really liked them. In fact, if it hadn't been a mission, he probably wouldn't have eaten it at all.

He walked back towards the gym in order to get some training in. It was then that things got fuzzy. Literally, the walls grew fuzz. Odd.

He reached out, and touched it, expecting a fuzzy feeling. He got pudding. Huh. The pudding was on the ceiling. Did the ceiling feel like fur? He had to find out. He reached up, and felt. It felt like spaghetti. The floor was jello, and it was beginning to swallow him up.

He regained control of the situation, and began to unsteadily walk on the jello to get around the corner.

Among the shifting masses of foreign textures stood a young girl. She had long pinkish-purplish hair, and was clad in leather. She had no identification, and she was heading right for him. She grinned, and yelled...

"HAY CHIEF! LET'S HANG OUT!"

* * *

Welcome back, my friends. It's me, Xytan. Your friendly guide through the world of this journey. I don't get the recognition I deserve, but that's cool. I'm okay.

I hope you enjoyed this final installment in the journey of the Master Chief. Good day, my friends. And always expect the unexpected.


End file.
